If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
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Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
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The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
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