Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
