Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
