I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
