I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
