There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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