I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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