she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
