Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
