Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
