pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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