The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
