Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
