Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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