is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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