I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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