it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/