Need sex. Gaining weight.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.