apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!