She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
