Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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