I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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