She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
He better not be in your backpack
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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