drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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