I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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