I will die if light touches me.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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