Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
