I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
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