The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
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For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
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Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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