I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
