I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
