i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
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Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
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Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.