Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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