if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
