A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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