Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
