a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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