Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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