I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
