i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
