We're like a lot better than the average bears
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
