If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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