mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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