dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
