I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
COCAINE IS GR8
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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