I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I'm always down for nudity.
PANTIES FOUND
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
