If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Randomize
