Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
We named our party play list daddy issues
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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