She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
