...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
