Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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