here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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