i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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