Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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