all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
