There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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