NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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