That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
