You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
just found out that she named her cat after me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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