I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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