Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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