Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
