did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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