I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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